These Advice from A Father That Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Dad

"I believe I was merely just surviving for the first year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of being a father.

Yet the actual experience soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Serious health complications surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every walk. The role of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he couldn't do it alone.

The simple statement "You aren't in a good place. You must get some help. In what way can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, less is said about the difficulties fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a broader reluctance to open up between men, who continue to hold onto harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to admit they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to take a break - taking a short trip away, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he needed to make a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when in his youth to alter how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the pain.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he says. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Coping as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is coping.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - taking care of you is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead give the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men since they faced their struggles, changed how they communicate, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, at times I feel like my role is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."